I was talking with a dear friend and a lightbulb went off in my head, or rather a siren that said” you are living in the future and not the present”. There have been many “aha” moments and revelations that I have experienced during COVID-19 quarantine; but this one, this one hit me hard. 

As a parent, a working single mom....... budding mompreneur, my entire life is planned and scheduled, sometimes months if not years in advance. I am sure I am not the only one who runs a household based on future events and plans. I daydream about our next family outing and the future of my child, what I can do now to get her where I think she needs to be.......what class, what instrument, always focusing on the “next” while completely glazing over the now. 

So, when this hit me, I stopped right then and there and sat with the thought that I was living in the future and not the present. And like a movie in my head, I scrolled through memories and behaviors and it turns out I have been doing this for years and it started well before my daughter was born. I had milestones I wanted to achieve growing up, I knew I wanted to be a fashion designer; so I lived for that and I did it, I have had a successful career in the fashion industry for over 20 years. I wanted to get married and have a family, I achieved that goal. And now as a parent, I am putting all of my future expectations on my daughter. What she will be, where she will study etc.......most recently what will happen and being fearful of COVID-19 and what it will mean for her future. 

I have made a choice, a conscious decision to try and stop living in my head for future events and milestones, and start enjoying the life we have now. The always being busy, cleaning or straightening up the house, checking email, doing laundry, making more to-do lists......has slowed down. I am actually taking the time to read a book, to learn to play my daughter’s fav video game, to just play without a goal or destination in mind. 

It’s a work in progress, and something I have to remind myself of; but I am getting more comfortable with it. MOMSQUAD, I would love to hear about discoveries or aha moments you have had and are having because parenthood is a journey not a destination.

July 24, 2020 — Amy Astrowsky

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